It eese Christmaneese?

Ted Christman, a guy with a comb-over, first popped into my life at a little now defunct restaurant named Pinocchio's. On Fridays some men met for lunch in a back room and had a little bible study for an hour or so. It was made up of some 2-3 pastors from different churches and about 10-12 guys. The study at that time was the book of Romans. I was immediately struck by the attitude of the pastors with different views on particular subjects while maintaining a very gracious spirit and yet were uncompromising in their views. I'd seen lots of religious arguments but nothing like this.

During the study over several Friday's the truth leaped from the page into my mind and heart. My views of God were changing... drastically. I was a Christian at that time although quite anemic yet this study was food for my soul. I looked forward to those times of bible study more so than going to my own church. After several months, Ted told me about a class he was offering on child discipline. My wife and I were parenting a 4 year old at the time who was starting to show her depravity by stomping her foot on the floor and yelling a defiant "No! to things we'd tell her to do." We both went and were immediately struck by the clear counsel from the scripture about child rearing, the nature of children and the end result of our inculcating discipline into the life of a child... that children would trust Christ. This class lasted some 8 weeks on consecutive Saturdays. We grew so much during that time and were able to apply the 'board of education to the seat of knowledge' in a loving yet firm way. Changes happened in our child.

Sometime later TC invited me to a summer church camp in Bluffton, Ohio. (Where in the world is "Bluffton?). We left at 6:00AM on Monday July 4, 1983 and car pooled with several families who we knew but not well. We'd only attended one Sunday at the (then called) Reformed Baptist Church. So we were flying into the unknown. While driving along, this crazy guy pulled up next to us. He was completely bald and had "Billy-Bob" teeth in his mouth, his hair was flapping in the wind. Then I realized it was Ted. Who WAS this crazy man who pretended to be a pastor? He was filled with mischief but fun loving and harmless (most of the time).

I'll relate some of the more outrageous things he's done. This won't be the posting of his wonderful pastoring skills he has. That'll be in a different venue.

1. Ted Christman (movie star). At the end of a a Cincinnati Red's baseball game several of the kids (and gullible adults) staged the following scenario. Ted was to walk out into the concourse with his sun-glasses on. Several parents and kids woudl be waiting for him to appear on the concourse. A group of kids would scream "There's Teddy!!!" and run up to him with pens and programs wanting his autograph. Some adults and kids with video cameras were to pile up behind the mob of our church kids video taping the whole pretending Ted was some famous person. Obviously at the end of the game there are thousands of people exiting and when many of them saw what an enthusiastic group of kids and adults were doing, the jumped in as well wanting autographs and taking videos as well. After some would get his 'John Henry' they would ask "who is that?" Kenny Flasphoehler would exclaim, "That's Ted Christman (you idiot, anybody knows who Ted Christman is!!!). The befuddled fans would say "Oh, Oh!!!" After some head scratching they'd pipe "What is he famous for?" "He's a movie actor!!! (dimwit). "OHHHH!" (like they should have heard of him). "What movie was he in?" Kenny - "Revenge of the Chocolate People!!!" "Oooohhhhhh, of course of course!!" some what scratching their heads (like they knew they missed something incredibly important and didn't know how they could ever let that one slip by their pop-cultured minds. Several HUNDREDS of people got autographs and of course TC went right along with it... some even getting pictures of him with their kids! Toward the end, some drunk came up and somehow caught on that the whole thing was a gag and he got really mad and wanted to fight TC!!!! Nothing happened though as the drunk guy's friends pulled him away to other divestitures in his beleaguered life.

2. Laser light infamy. Once during a district high school boys soccer game, he pointed his laser light onto some of the players during the game. A referee came over to the stands trying to find out who the culprit was. I think he made hay and got out of there. That was OVER the top!!!

3. His telephone antics are legend. TC has a lot of flexibility in his voice and can generate a plethora of voices. His ventures into this realm of hilarity are numerous and one can only speculate the number of times people have been completely gassed, befuddled, open-mouthed and even angered at his voices. He frequently plays the "hick" and is quite believable. One time he called a man who was a Sunday school teacher at the church where his daughter attended during college. Ted chomped his words and spoke about this teacher's 'Calvin-ite' doctrine and how he 'wuz all fer it.' He din' think peepuls had no choys in thuh mattr 'n thot that all this 'pre-destinordiance' was a guud thanG 'n he shud keep it up. Tha-uht be a gud dok-trin to preech to awl them kowluge keedz." TC left this on the guys answering machine.

4. There are literally several scores of antics in which he has instigated upon the poor people in Owensboro, KY.

There is one more example of lines not only being crossed but all sense of reason and propriety being thrown over the edge of rationalism. This tale has to do with more laser pen antics in a posh hotel restaurant in Florida and some conversations in elevators that really spooked some people. I have to check my sources for the details.

All this was done in fun (or so he thought). None of it was ever intended to be malicious or hurtful. These tales rival those of the Uncle Remas stories I'd hear about "Brer Rabbit and 'Brer Fox.' I kid you not. More details later.